This post is brought to you by Mr. Handsome.
Throughout history, men have sought to answer the question “What does it mean to be a man?” They have fought battles, slain dragons, searched for treasure, and built castles. All to prove that they are manly men. In a society of desk jobs and padded office chairs, it can be more difficult to determine what it means to be a manly man. I have developed a simple answer: Just count how many tools he has.
The following is a story illustrating how a typical man shows his masculinity while talking about tools.
Last summer while we were packing our moving truck, I realized that we needed something to tie the boxes down. My friend stated in his deep manly voice, “I always carry premium industrial grade ratchet tie down straps in the back of my truck. Surely you have some of those?” Unfortunately I did not have any tie down straps, industrial grade or otherwise, but I wasn’t going to admit that, so I improvised. “Ummm of course,” I gulped. “It just so happens that they are in my other car, which is currently in the shop getting an oil change.”
“You take your car to the shop to change the oil?” He asked incredulously. “It only takes a wrench and a drip bucket to do it yourself. Surely you have those tools?”
“Well yes I have those,” I replied, rolling my eyes for emphasis. “It’s just that I tweaked my back last weekend riding bucking broncos and didn’t want to re-aggravate it while crawling under my car.”
“I hear that,” he said. “Of course whenever that happens to me, I just put my truck up on my six-ton low profile hydraulic lift and raise the entire thing off the ground so I can work on it more comfortably. But I realize that not everyone has that kind of tool inventory.”
“Well of course I have one of those, ” I scoffed. “But I had to put it into storage to make more space in the garage for my military grade Humvee. “Anyways, why don’t we just use your tie down straps for now?”
To help gauge, masculinity I have created a list to evaluate a man’s tool collection.
- There is no substitute for sheer volume. Nothing says manliness like a garage filled to the brim with tools. Pick up some old tools from a garage sale if you have to. It doesn’t even matter if you know what they do (or if they even work at all). Quantity is key.
- The more obsolete, obscure tools you have, the higher the level of manliness. Just because you will never use a tool is no reason not to own it.
- Noise: The louder the tool, the more manly. Every man should have a loud drill, a jackhammer, and maybe a foghorn just for good measure. If your tools aren’t loud enough, buy a speaker system and play engine noises out of your garage so your neighbors think you’re up to something important.
- Destructive capability: Tools for building are great, but tools meant for demolition are best. Chainsaws, wrecking balls, and dynamite are a must. Okay, maybe forget the dynamite. I’m sure there are laws against selling that on the open market. Then again, you can probably find it on Amazon.
Now I will say that just because you are not a man does not mean you can’t have a great tool collection. Before we were married, one of the things that most impressed me about Ellie was the set of emergency tools she had in her car. She kept quite the collection of everything you would ever need, including a tire gauge, air compressor, and even road flares. And after we got married, she bought me a set for my trunk, as well.