This post is brought to you by Mr. Handsome.
Throughout history, men have sought to answer the question “What does it mean to be a man?” They have fought battles, slain dragons, searched for treasure, and built castles. All to prove that they are manly men. In a society of desk jobs and padded office chairs, it can be more difficult to determine what it means to be a manly man. I have developed a simple answer: Just count how many tools he has.
The following is a story illustrating how a typical man shows his masculinity while talking about tools.
Last summer while we were packing our moving truck, I realized that we needed something to tie the boxes down. My friend stated in his deep manly voice, “I always carry premium industrial grade ratchet tie down straps in the back of my truck. Surely you have some of those?” Unfortunately I did not have any tie down straps, industrial grade or otherwise, but I wasn’t going to admit that, so I improvised. “Ummm of course,” I gulped. “It just so happens that they are in my other car, which is currently in the shop getting an oil change.”
“You take your car to the shop to change the oil?” He asked incredulously. “It only takes a wrench and a drip bucket to do it yourself. Surely you have those tools?”
“Well yes I have those,” I replied, rolling my eyes for emphasis. “It’s just that I tweaked my back last weekend riding bucking broncos and didn’t want to re-aggravate it while crawling under my car.”
“I hear that,” he said. “Of course whenever that happens to me, I just put my truck up on my six-ton low profile hydraulic lift and raise the entire thing off the ground so I can work on it more comfortably. But I realize that not everyone has that kind of tool inventory.”
“Well of course I have one of those, ” I scoffed. “But I had to put it into storage to make more space in the garage for my military grade Humvee. “Anyways, why don’t we just use your tie down straps for now?”
To help gauge, masculinity I have created a list to evaluate a man’s tool collection.
- There is no substitute for sheer volume. Nothing says manliness like a garage filled to the brim with tools. Pick up some old tools from a garage sale if you have to. It doesn’t even matter if you know what they do (or if they even work at all). Quantity is key.
- The more obsolete, obscure tools you have, the higher the level of manliness. Just because you will never use a tool is no reason not to own it.
- Noise: The louder the tool, the more manly. Every man should have a loud drill, a jackhammer, and maybe a foghorn just for good measure. If your tools aren’t loud enough, buy a speaker system and play engine noises out of your garage so your neighbors think you’re up to something important.
- Destructive capability: Tools for building are great, but tools meant for demolition are best. Chainsaws, wrecking balls, and dynamite are a must. Okay, maybe forget the dynamite. I’m sure there are laws against selling that on the open market. Then again, you can probably find it on Amazon.
Now I will say that just because you are not a man does not mean you can’t have a great tool collection. Before we were married, one of the things that most impressed me about Ellie was the set of emergency tools she had in her car. She kept quite the collection of everything you would ever need, including a tire gauge, air compressor, and even road flares. And after we got married, she bought me a set for my trunk, as well.
Haha! My husband agrees with you, Mr. Handsome.
Thank you Mr. H for that laugh! I desperately needed a laugh today and you have fulfilled that need!
Ellie you are blessed to have a husband with a great sense of humor!
One Christmas my hubby bought me a basic tool set, all tools have pink handles. I like using them. Ellie, this is Jane from Hagerstown, Maryland. I’ve recently notice another reader signs Jane at the end of her comment. So I will start signing Jane Renae. Mr. Handsome your post is funny! Jane Renae
Mr. Handsome you are hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!
I know about having a lot of tools. Our late father was a mechanic and he had a load of tools.
Joan,Marion and Marilyn
My dad is a mechanic and our garage is filled to the brim with tools 😂
I showed this to my husband. He didn’t think it was that funny. He is really literal, but if ever there was a man that liked tools, he is it. He was like, what is wrong with having tools? I love my tools! You name it, Tractors, lathe, etc. 2 shops full. And if you ever need a good ole boy to get you out of a bind, he is your guy. He got called to pull a guy’s truck and tractor out. He got his tractor stuck trying to pull his truck out. So he took his “little tractor” and pulled the guy out.
Women use tools too you know. Sometimes even better than those “manly” men.
Are you a Neanderthal? I get the humor in your piece some funny parts but it’s sexist. Women have tools and skills as well and a manly man is someone who is a good husband and father someone supportive and caring. Maybe he cooks and does the wash. My husband barely knows a Phillips head from a flat head but my family business, since 1904, was a hardware store so I do the “manly” stuff. My 23 year old son has massive amounts of tools and even does some plumbing and electrical. Not his field he’s a software engineer. It’s an individual thing.
I think you might have missed the last paragraph. 🙂
I thought it was hysterical.
This post brought a smile to my face. You both have such a good sense of humour. My husband must be very manly – he has a special “tool room” in our house, 2 tool sheds and one side of our double garage! When we married, I had my own toolbox for simple house repairs and that toolbox was quickly absorbed in his collection. I have my own garden shed with my gardening tools – many made for a woman’s size and height. We still have tools from my husband’s father that are very old as we are retired! We use everything we have got. It is fun to go to our own “tool store” and find just the right item for a project. I think Mr H’s tool collection will grow as a homeowner. There is always something to repair, replace, maintain, improve, restyle, repurpose…….. Eileen
Funny, and very well written.
I think this applies to little boys too. I have five little boys, and they love tools. Of course, they try to put holes in walls or whatever with their play hammers. And if they find a real screw driver, they might try to take the screws out of everything. But, they want to be manly too.
How funny! Enjoyed the story Mr H! It reminded me of how Patrick McManus writes. Have you read any of his books? It’s hilarious outdoor stories. My man is also a big handyman-do it all-fix it all himself kind of man. A very manly man with a lot of tools and whatnot himself. And if he doesn’t have something he figures something out to make it work. Yep, you’ll collect more tools as you get older, Mr H! Seems to just come with living life and having a family. You’ll need to fix a lot of stuff. 😉😊
Hi Candi,
Mr H just saw your comment, and he wanted me to tell you thank you. He is a big fan of Patrick McManus. He is currently reading “I Fish Therefore I Am” which is a collection of a lot of his writings. I also find his writing to be funny. Have you read lots of his stuff?
Ellie
Oh, thank you for your report. I usually felt very sad for men under the load of keeping tools. I’ve also been too proud to humbly be who I really am before others, so I know what that is like. (But there was a big come down for me that followed that escapade.)
I just love Mr Handsomes humor!! Thank you for making me laugh 😀
Hahahaha I laughed at the comment saying “this is sexist”, no no…this is funny! And true!
Personally, I don’t mind stepping aside and letting my husband be Mr. Fix It, it makes him happy even if I could just watch a video and do it myself. Plus I have enough to do as a SAHM raising our two babies and being a homemaker *gasp*.
Yeah, women are capable, obviously Mr. Handsome thinks Ellie is too. Such a sweet couple.
Sincerely,
Kristy D
Thank you both for your enjoyable posts! I think ya’ll have a beautiful family and are both wonderful! I’m glad you both ignore the critics! Keep doing what y’all do!
This post made me laugh, my husband has to have lots of tools for his job, a whole can full pretty much (thank goodness his job gave him the van and helped with some of the tools); honestly I’m not really a fix it person but I try to do little things. When we bought our house my husband made me a tool bag to have around the house and it has come in handy. As for the cars I can’t change the oil and with my husband job we take it somewhere unless a family member or friend can do it, but I do know how to check the oil, change a flat tire, thanks to my mo she wouldn’t let me take the car any where after I got my license until I knew how to change a flat tire and showed her I could do it on my own. That skill has come in handy.
If I only had a hammer…