Happy Sunday! Mr. Handsome wrote a witty blog post this afternoon to contribute to the blog…
Has anyone noticed that it is impossible to spend less than three hours at Home Depot? You convince your sweet wife to stop there for one little doorknob after church and promise her it will only take five minutes. She decides to wait in the car, and you go for it.
You get yourself a doorknob, proceed smoothly to the checkout, race out to your car, and cheerfully great your wife, who informs you that “you were literally in there for three hours.” You look in disbelief at the dashboard clock and realize that she is correct. “It felt like only 15 minutes,” you tell her, “and at least I got a good doorknob.”
“I was starting to think you had turned into one” she lovingly responds.
I have realized that there is only one logical explanation for the lost time in Home Depot: time travel. I am still working on this theory, but I believe that once you enter the doors at Home Depot, you are immediately transferred two hours and forty five minutes into the future. Then you proceed to shop for fifteen minutes and exit the store three hours after you entered.
The other possible explanation is that time moves at a different speed inside Home Depot–sort of like being inside the wardrobe in the Chronicles of Narnia, only in reverse. In Narnia, time goes much faster than it does on Earth, so what feels like years and years in Narnia is only a few minutes on earth. By contrast, what feels like only a few minutes to you while in Home Depot feels like three hours to your poor wife sitting in the hot car.
My wife has a different theory that I am sure you will agree is totally illogical. She believes that I waste time putzing around in the store. I am almost embarrassed to type this theory because it is so unbelievable. I mean, did she really expect me to walk right past the zero turn lawnmower and not try sitting on it just to see how it feels? Of course I will never own a ten thousand dollar mower, but it’s fun to image myself driving one.
And I suppose I should have passed the half-priced pool skimmer without picking one up? I mean yes, we don’t have a pool, but a deal like this may not come up for another century. Most likely my wife thinks the educational tour I took through the grill section learning about the latest technologies in backyard grilling was completely useless? That grill we just got last month could go out any day, and I need to be informed if I need to buy a new one.
I will admit that I spent a little longer than necessary talking to Billy about football. But I ran into him on isle 37, and it would have been rude to walk by without telling him how my Tennessee Titans were going to crush his beloved Cowboys in November.
Anyways, consider yourself thoroughly warned about the dangers of time travel at Home Depot. You may want to wear space goggles or sunglasses to protect yourself from debris on your time travel journey…and from the death glare your wife gives you when you try to explain your time travel theory three hours later.
Johnna
It’s the truth! I hate going into Home Depot because they have SO much cool stuff to look at. Even girl stuff! Decorating stuff!
Regina Shea
Oh Johnna, I agree! The first time I went to Home Depot with my husband, I dreaded it because I thought it would be boring. Then, I saw it. The garden section! And the canning jar section! And I couldn’t pass up the Cast Iron Cooking cookbook. So yes Home Depot has fun girl stuff.
Anonymous
Boy, Home Depots must vary across the country. I’ve never seen one with canning jars or cookbooks.
Anon
Girl stuff? Didn’t know you had to be female to decorate.
Regina Shea
Lol that’s hilarious! My “time travel” experiences happen in Hobby Lobby and Walmart. I can’t walk past the fabric without at least touching the new choices of fabric. And let’s not get started on the clearance sections. Walmart traps me by having such nice Pionner Woman items that I ” need” to look at. After all, I follow her blog so “should” at least check out her line. I can’t be rude to Pastor Randy who is in charge of AWANA and is looking for volunteers. And yes both Walmart and Hobby Lobby, I go looking for a specific item but always seem to spend more time than usual because of ” time travel”😃
Sarah Liston
Haha! This is great!
Anonymous
Cutebut then when Ellie opens canned soup for supper instead of roasting a chicken she can blame it on that lost time!
Anonymous
Maybe you will go out to the car and just see a note saying, “Dear Honey while you were on Mars I decided to go to Venus!”
Anonymous
Dear Ellie, I can’t believe you were patient enough to wait for your hubby for 3 hours! You really are a gem! I’m the type of wife that would have driven home without him after 45 minutes. Mr. Handsome is a lucky guy!
Candi
Ha ha enjoyed this post! It’s even longer than most of Ellie’s posts. Cool. He should do it more often. 🙂
Beth
Not me it only takes me 20 mintues to get a light bulb and then I out the door at Home Depot.
Anonymous
Okay, we don’t have Home Depot in the city I live in, but we have Fleet Farm and Hobby Lobby, so I think I understand! I love those stores. Also the Dollar Tree, I hope they don’t get rid of that one.
godly-young-widow
Holee; after 1 hour I’d have gone in to see if he got lost in there!
Luci
This is so funny! I’m not married, but my Dad is exactly this way. I pretty much refuse to run “house” related errands with him because I know what we will really be doing for 98% of the time. 😊
Kathy
This is a cute post. My husband agrees entirely. But I think it also happens at Lowes. We went there today to get 2 items to repair the toilet a church and a half hour later I was still waiting for him. Imagine when he came out with a broom too. That’s what happens when you time travel.
Anonymous
The box Mr H. is in the picture with looks larger than a door knob.
Anonymous
Optmistically, if Mr H. said he got a pool skimmer, maybe that is it. AND if he got a pool skimmer maybe he ordered an above ground swimming pool for Ellie’s back yard!
Anonymous
Three hours is a long time to sit in a parking lot and wonder where your husband got to. Weren’t you the least bit curious? Or worried?
Anonymous
So people are curious, including me,what was Ellie doing all that time? Sleeping?
Candi
Ha ha I wondered too! I would’ve went shopping myself and went back to pick him up when I was done! That’s what my hubby and I do when we’re in town together. We “save” time-lol-by dropping each other off at our places we need to go and shop where we need to shop. We get out of town sooner this way-haha
Anonymous
Ellie, Off topic but would you consider a post on your nutrition and exercise regime? You always looks like you are in such great shape!
Ellie
What a compliment! Sure, I’ll see what I can come up with. 🙂
Anonymous
Lol, I think Mr. Handsome’s story sounds a little fishy…Jane
Anonymous
I agree Jane. He sounds like my husband when he tells a story. He adds a little extra time to make the story better. 😀 I am sure even if Ellie only had to wait half an hour that it felt like three hours.
Anonymous
Or send him a text asking what is taking so long.