“It’s not about him and me, it’s about us.”
“There are so many decisions in life that don’t matter. Why fight over something that doesn’t matter?”
Recently, a loyal reader asked about the nuts and bolts of our marriage relationship, specifically how we approach decision making in our home and who we consider to be the head of the household. Watch our video below, and then share your thoughts in the comments section.
And in case you are wondering, the picture above is from our summer 2015 wedding. (Click here to view more wedding photos.)
OhioMama
My husband and I are partners and we talk to each other before spending a significant amount of money. Given he works and brings the money home while I stay home with the kids and take care of the bills. He has even said he would be lost without me because he doesn’t know anything about the bills, when they are due, how to pay them etc. I do have a funny story myself though. Someone called my cell phone asking for the head of the household, and I handed my phone to our son who was one year old at the time and went about my business. My dad heard me tell my son that the phone was for him and asked me who called. I told him I don’t know they asked for the head of the household, so I handed the phone to him. To this day if I get a call like that I still hand the phone to my son.
I agree that marriage is a partnership, any relationship should be though. Even when I was working outside the house I still talked to my husband about spending money. Like I wanted to get a special outfit for our baby shower and I knew it was kind of silly because it was only for a day but I talked to him about it and he agreed that I should have a nice outfit for the shower. He has talked to me about some of his purchases too, mostly about buying a new pair of boots for everyday or work.
Ellie
Haha! That’s hilarious. And my husband says the same thing about the bills because I’m also the one who takes care of them in our house. 🙂
Ellie
Anonymous
I find I avoid bigger expenditures but fritter away a lot bit by bit. Remember Michelle Duggar held onto the money for investing and would not buy a blanket but the item came along as a gift from heaven!
Anonymous
WE are the head of OUR household.
We absolutely don’t subscribe to the Duggar-style “man in charge” system. The woman gets an equal voice and an equal chance to present her side and why she feels that way. There is no man/woman at that point – it’s one idea vs. another, and best logic or best idea prevails.
A wife should never have to defer to her husband unless she decides she wants to for that particular circumstance. But the clock resets once that decision is made and it’s back to 50-50 again for the next round.
This has worked for us for over 40 years with no grudges and no hard feelings. I can’t imagine a marriage where it’s predetermined that one person always has the final say, simply because of gender.
benita
I haven’t watched the video yet, but I know it’s in the Bible about men being the head of the household, but for me, I agree with Paul about being single. I just chose the wrong person instead of praying about him, so I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be married to a godly man. I’ve been divorced for 15 yrs. now and have not even dated once. I had young children and didn’t want to take a chance of a man just wanting to date me to get to them. I used to get very lonely, but now just once in a blue moon. Mostly I’m grateful I don’t have to take care of anyone but me when I get off work!!! It wouldn’t be fair to another potential partner to have to deal with my trust issues. Because of the things that went on in the marriage, I have a hard time trusting people. But I do think it would be wonderful to have a godly husband, and in my opinion, I think communication is the KEY!
Ellie
I appreciate your transparency, Benita, and I commend you for thinking about your children before yourself. Are they in high school now, or have they reached adulthood?
Ellie
anonymous
I liked your video. Who can argue with love? But love in and of love is not the Christian Kingdom of God structure. There is a difference between religions. Just professing love doesn’t really explain everything about the Christian way.
Anonymous
Me! I don’t submit to anyone.
Anon
Then, I take it you don’t submit to God!? I feel sorry for you. Ultimate happiness in life is submitting to each other and to God.
Ann
Not OP, but not everyone is religious and they can still lead happy and fulfilling lives.
Sonja
So true!
Anonymous
Are you really telling someone that they need to submit to your particular religious beliefs? Do your beliefs encourage doing this with total strangers? If so, why? Don’t you think that’s odd, to have a stranger approach you and tell you how you should worship or believe?
Anonymous
Not everyone believes in God. I know I don’t!
Anon
Oh I feel sorry for you!
Anonymous
I’m atheist too and I don’t need anyone feeling sorry for me. If anything, I feel sorry for them.
Anonymous
Creation demands there is a creator…..
GM
I find it odd those people who say they dont believe in god when they are about to die or are seriously injured bleeding out they will for some odd reason call out OH GOD. I have been in war and have seen this happen over and over to those who do not believe. I have never heard one person say OH BUDDA.
AmyRyb
When I got married, I hated making decisions so I was pretty much on board with a marital democracy where we could discuss issues but I didn’t have to be the final decision-maker. However, that’s not quite how it turned out. Like a lot of women, the household mental load falls pretty squarely on my shoulders, and with it, a lot of the decision-making. It all comes down to me being more aware of the needs in our household, and being the one who thinks about them more in-depth. It’s just my nature. So, if we were to buy an appliance, I’d be the one who is more aware of what we need out of it, and I’d probably be more likely to look at reviews, too. For kid decisions, I’ve probably done more research and read more blogs to know what might be happening and how other people have dealt with it. Even for random little decisions, I’ve probably been thinking three steps ahead, whereas he’s generally not, so I’m going to have a stronger opinion. For example, when he offers up candy or a TV show to our child shortly before bedtime, I’m going to have to be the one to veto it because I know that the TV show will run late and the sugar will keep him up. It’s honestly not a fun role most of the time, and if he were to have the mental energy to think through things as much as I do, I’d gladly relinquish some of the control. But in talking to other wives/moms, I feel like most men are programmed one way and women another, as this seems to be a common scenario. Not ALL men are like this, mind you, but it seems like a lot–and I have a feeling that has been part of why the biblical ideal of the man running the household has waned a bit. Maybe it all goes back to many generations of men working outside the home and women running the household, and society never really readjusting when women started working outside the home as well? I guess women are just better at it, so it stuck–for better or for worse.
Ellie
I definitely understand what you’re saying, Amy. I think most wives and mothers feel the same way to some extent. I also know more about our household and our son’s needs than my husband, and he appreciates that. A big part of it, I think, is that women are generally better at multitasking than men. On the flipside, Mr. Handsome is better than me at focusing on a single task for a long stretch of time. (I rarely have a chance to perfect that skill because I’m constantly being pulled in a thousand directions, LOL.)
Ellie
Anonymous
Women were called “the weaker sex” when medicine didn’t fully understand the workings of mind and body. Calling women that and treating them like that suited the men well. It gave the men more power and more control. (Of course if you were royalty, the head that wore the crown was the one who had the last word.) Even men who were weak in mind and body were still given more respect and rights than women by most societies.
Societal gender perceptions aside, the history of actual women’s rights, back to Biblical days, is fascinating. It’s a real roller coaster of laws and changes to the laws for women as civilizations advanced.
anon
my marriage was a partnership where all large (house, cars) decisions were made together. i cant drive stick shift so my husband always made sure we got an automatic. we both worked so if we wanted something of our own, like books or trading cards, we bought them. we were both poor growing up so we were very frugal with our money, yet didn’t deprive ourselves. living in an orphanage as a teenager, my husband was taught ‘real’ home-ec.,
including sewing & cooking, which were considered women’s jobs back then because they had to leave at 18 regardless of gender. we also didn’t have any his/her jobs. if dishes needed to be done, or garbage taken out, we did it. my husband preferred cooking to relax so he did all the cooking and i did the baking. he’d mow and i’d weed-wack and edge. we shared everything. we brought our kids up the same way. they did the same household chores, physical limitations taken into consideration of course.
Regina
Thank you Ellie and Mr. H for sharing your thoughts. In our marriage my husband is the head of our household because it is Biblical and not “Duggar-style”. God ordained long before the Duggars came into existence.
We answer to no one but the Lord and we are the ones who will stand before God on Judgement Day.
Now because I submit to my husband that doesn’t mean I’m a doormat. My husband respects me and he wants my opinion on whatever decisions we make. If I really don’t know what to do I leave the final decision up to him.
And yes there are husbands who will abuse their authority but a truly godly husband (and being godly is in the Bible and not being God) will not even fathom such behavior and treat his wife like dirt. Just like a truly godly wife will not abuse the scriptures about husbands loving their wives by accusing their husbands of not loving them because he won’t buy an expensive unneeded item.
Sorry for the long reply.
Ellie
Wise words. Thanks for sharing, Regina! 🙂
Ellie
Anonymous
Do you think letting your husband be the head is going to get you some sort of special honors someday that the rest of us aren’t going to be given? Serious question – awaiting answer.
Regina
Anon @ 1:18 One of these days when the Lord calls me home and I have lived a life that honors Christ, I will hear those glorious words “Well done faithful servant”
Matthew 25:21a.
Goodness might be very lonely if no one else recieved as you called it “special honors” although I suppose being with the Lord I wouldn’t be lonely at all.
I hope this was helpful. If you have any other questions, I will be more than happy to answer them and if I’m not sure of an answer, I can definitely find out. Have a blessed coming weekend!
Anonymous
@1:18 @ Regina My belief says that after earthly death, all are welcomed to the spirit dimension in the same way no matter what. Spirits are not concerned whether wives let husbands made decisions. Details like that aren’t important and make no difference. If that’s the system you need on Earth to keep you happy or from hurting someone else, then so be it. But it truly makes no difference later. Your spirit guides are there for life review and any retraining needed.
Regina
@10:20 I didn’t want you to think I was ignoring you. I’ve been taking care of my youngest who had all four wisdom teeth removed and has been in a lot of pain. Anyway, thank you for sharing your personal belief. Have a blessed day!
Ellie
Poor thing! Praying for a speedy recovery for her.
Ellie
Anonymous
Regina, I completely agree with you. The Bible says that the husband is the head of the household. It also says for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. When husbands love their wives sacrificially then they will always consider the wisdom their wives offer. A ship can’t sail with two captains pulling the wheel in different directions. The co-captain is not less important than the captain. Both are necessary, but someone has to make the final decisions. We try to follow what God says in our marriage and have been happily married for almost thirty years.
MarriedUK
Doesn’t it all come down to whether or not you have a healthy relationship? In a happy relationship, plans/ decisions will be consensual. Even if the man has a leadership role and the woman is theoretically submissive, no decision will be taken that the woman has not agreed to. The doctrine of male leadership only becomes problematic if the marriage is not happy and leadership is code for dominance. If the man is in anyway unbalanced or domineering, it is a dangerous doctrine. In a happy marriage, it is not necessary; in an unhappy marriage, it will make it harder for both parties.
Just a thought from England, where no one talks about patriarchal marriage and kids don’t get shot at school.
Anonymous
The state and federal would say that my husband is the head of our household, because he is the bread winner. I would agree, even though I worked full time or part-time during our marriage, we could never have lived off just my paycheck. But we could of lived off of my husband’s paycheck if we had too. We are retired now and looking back that meant a lot, and I’m so proud of him. The decision making and running the household has always been both our job. We don’t talk to each other about everything we want to buy, mostly the big purchases. We talk and we decide together.
Anonymous
We make pretty much every decision together from paint color to food to every purchase over 20 dollars. Sometimes its annoying because it take longer to come to a compromise. But sometimes we both have strong opinions and want to find something that will work for both of us.
Eileen
In my life, I don’t think we designated anyone head of the household. I think we designated each other our team, support person, the one who has your back, life partner, co director of life decisions. And yet when I read these comments and see Ellie’s video, I know our method of decision making and running our lives is more similar to hers than different. I found myself nodding when Ellie and Mr H talked of mutual love, respect and honour for each other. Not coming from a place of dominance and control. That sounds like my kind of marriage. I also agree with consensus, recognising each other’s strengths and skill sets like paying bills/various chores. We too have been non traditional in doing tasks together, renovating, etc. We just do stuff and don’t think of whether it is a male or female task. I think it is all about marriage. Eileen
Ellie
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Eileen! Hope you had a wonderful summer.
Ellie
Eileen
I am always delighted to find a comment back from you Ellie; it is an unexpected pleasure. I have had a very good summer and I hope your family as well. I have been thinking about Mr H’s paintings at the New York venue and wondering if you have gone or will be going to New York. I hope lots of the paintings sold.
I hope you do not mind, but I wanted to add to my original comment and clarify something. I was raised in the Dutch Reformed/Christian
Reformed church system. My parents began to find the church to punitive and restrictive in its interpretations of the Bible and joined the Presbyterian Church. I do not consider myself a Conservative Christian: there are values I believe in that would make me a Democrat in your country. However, I appreciate many things I have learned about from watching the Duggars, reading their posts and your blogs. One of them is the instructional aspects regarding marriage that prepares young couples. It is so interesting to hear young couples talk about “love language”; something you have mentioned on this blog before. Just as this blog is so interesting and the comments from Regina. I really appreciate them and learn and reflect on your videos and blogs!!
Just as my parents found their Church punitive so can a marriage become that way through interpretation and practice. Intent is so important.
Ellie
So far at the NYC art show we have sold 3 paintings, and it looks like we will sell 3 more. Thanks for asking! We haven’t visited yet.
I agree that love languages are really interesting. Have you read the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman?
Ellie
Eileen
I have not read that book but will definitely look for it. I am glad to hear of Mr H’s success in New York. I have found some of the comments for this blog rather distressing and confrontational. I was concerned when I saw this was a question you were asked as I feel there is a small group of people who are looking for an argument and to say how you live your life and what you believe in is wrong. Some of the questions people put to you felt like a setup Ellie. I personally appreciate your morals, ethics, religious beliefs, lifestyle and viewpoints and following God’s Word as you interpret it. Have a great weekend. Blessings to you all. Eileen
Ellie
You are very kind, Eileen! I truly do appreciate your comments. Hope you have a great weekend as well. 🙂
Ellie
Barb
I really appreciate your video. You both spoke so well about shared responsibility and acting to serve God and one another in decision making. It’s not as easy as it sounds, of course, but with time and patience, and love it works!
I think abusive things can happen when people forcefully demand that the husband must be head of the household, in the name of religion and a strict literal translation of Paul’s letters. To see a very scary example of that, look at people like Warren Jeffs who take Paul’s words out of their whole context.
“Love one another” stands alone above everything else written in God’s word to us in Scripture.
anonymous
Seems like a good case you gave for your example. But really I think it is only contributing to the real explanation of Christianity as a religion of law and love. And in fact law supports love and all the law,and prophets hangs on true love of god and neighbour as yourself. Christianity is the special religion of the many aspects revealed as read through the Bible. Just love a person can get off target and just law a person can get off target.
Barb
You are right. The law accuses. The Gospel forgives. We need both but the Gospel still stands as most important.
anonymous
I mean the law matters to the whole picture of the religion. It is important. It defines the way of life. It gives the structure love is poured into and expressed out of. Love is a wonderful thing but it needs limits and order or it is a big smush of all.