I’m often asked to share the book that I’m currently reading. I’ll admit that I don’t make as much time for reading as I should. I’m someone who likes to get things done, so forcing myself to take a break and sit down can be difficult.
That being said, I really enjoy parenting and marriage books. And when I say “really enjoy,” I mean that I pick one up a few times a week and read about 10 pages. That’s the way I read most books, now that I’m a mom and am being pulled in 1,000 different directions. But when it comes to books with solid, practical advice, I’ve found that to be a great strategy because it gives me a change to digest what I’m reading.
The book I’m currently reading is called ‘Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles that Can Radically Change Your Family’ by Paul David Tripp. It’s not the type of parenting book that gives you a laundry list of things to do and not to do. It simply provides a detailed explanation of parenting in light of the Gospel and offers a list of general principles to keep in mind.
I especially like the spirit of gentleness that is present throughout the book. As parents, we are called to teach our children right from wrong. For example, if my two-year-old attempts to run into the middle of the road, I would be a neglectful parent if I didn’t stop him. But the goal of parenting is not to force our kids to “listen to Mom and Dad or else.” We have to get at the heart, and we must do it gently and kindly.
Among parents of all faiths, bribery and intimidation are common tactics used to teach our children to obey. That sounds extreme, but it sadly is true of our society. We’ve all been at the grocery store and overheard a parent yell, “Come here, or you’re not watching any TV tonight” or “Sit still, and I’ll give you ice cream when we get home.” While this type of parenting might produce obedience in the moment, it has the potential to cause resentment and unhealthy fear in the long-run. We need to set our parenting standards higher, which means helping our children develop a sincere desire to “do the right thing.”
A principle that really stood out to me in this book is the importance of using my words and actions to be a reflection of God’s character and love. God is patient with me, so I must be patient with my children. God has given me undeserved grace, and so I must extend that to my children.
Parenting is hard work, and since no parent is perfect, we are all bound to make mistakes. But when I read books like this, it helps to renew my mind and readjust my focus on what is good and right. It really is a wonderful book, and one that I highly recommend. Even if you don’t consider yourself to be a Christian, I think it would be a helpful way to understand Christianity at it’s core.
The Gospel is about unconditional love. From the time they are itty bitty, I want my children to know that Mom and Dad love them unconditionally and will always be there for them. And then as they grow, my prayer is that they will see the same to be true about God.
Chiara
My opinion about obidience is that at the beginning you need to use “carrots” and “sticks”. Children are just to small to understand why shouldn’t they do something. They can connenct bad behaviour with “sticks” because they will not get “carrots”. But as they get older, you can start explaining. So I do not see anything wrong from offering “carrots” and “sticks”.
Anonymous
Chiara, I agree. Life is full of carrots and sticks and always will be. Life is also full of things that will snap your sticks and take your carrots if you’re not careful. You have to learn how to deal with that. I don’t know any child who has developed “resentment and unhealthy fear” from knowing that good behavior gets you to a goal later. It shows that calm and orderly is good and has a good outcome. Ellie, you’re overthinking this. Put down the books and use your instincts. You already have them.
Ellie
I appreciate you saying that I have good instincts. Thank you! 🙂
Anonymous
Who said “good” instincts?
Ellie
I’m sorry for assuming that. I just figured you wouldn’t encourage me to follow my instincts if you thought they weren’t good instincts.
Anonymous
I know, right. Most people in their twenty’s don’t have the best instincts.
Anonymous
Kindness is louder than sass.
Sarah
Check out “Mama Bear Apologetics”! The BEST parenting (and life!) book I’ve read in a long time.
Ellie
Haven’t heard that one, but I will check it out. Thanks, Sarah!
LOL
That sounds like an interesting book. I should read it.
Regina Shea
Amen Ellie. When my daughters were children we had Focus on the Family parenting books. They were very helpful and encouraging.
Ellie
Focus on the Family is great! How have you been doing, Regina?
Regina Shea
I’m doing well Ellie. Thanks for asking. I’m attempting to spend a little less time online and more time reading good books, catching up on sewing lessons and crocheting.
Ellie
That’s always good! What kind of books have you been reading lately?
Regina Shea
Classics like A.W Tozer The Pursuit of God
Anne of Green Gables
Pride and Prejudice
I just finished this morning an old ebook from the early 1900s called The Story of Hymns and Tunes which I found really fascinating. I’m currently reading The Pilgrim’s Progress. Well actually I have two going at the same time. The other one is called The Secret of the Strength: What Would Anabaptists Tell This Generation. I’m only on the first couple of pages. I’m afraid my reading of books is like my crochet projects. I always have more than one going at the same time.
Ellie
Thanks for sharing, Regina. Winter is a great time to read. That last one sounds very fascinating!
Annie
Hello Ellie,
As someone who has very different theological views from you – but still appreciates your blog 😉 – I was wondering why you would classify God’s love as “unconditional” when there is very much the condition of “accepting Jesus into your heart” as well as doing ones best not to sin in order to please god and receive a “reward” (heaven)?
I would say I love my Kids unconditionally meaning I would love them still even if they did something bad or even hurt me. I don’t think I would ever stop loving them and put a terrible eternal punishment on them.
Hope this doesn’t lead too far from the point of this post. I’m just genuinely curious 🙂
Ellie
Hi Annie,
That’s a great question, and I would be happy to answer. Others are more than welcome to chime in, too. God unconditionally loves everyone, even those who don’t believe in Him. Everyone is created in God’s image, and God desires all to know Him and to spend eternity with Him. That being said, there are consequences for our sins.
Even though you love your children unconditionally, if you found out that one of them had committed a crime, such as vandalizing someone’s property, you would expect your child to apologize to the property owner and pay for the damages. This doesn’t mean you don’t still love them unconditionally. In the same way that you cannot turn a blind eye on your child’s wrongdoing, God cannot turn a blind eye on ours. He is holy, and to enter God’s presence, a person must become holy.
The Bible tells us that we can become holy by accepting God’s free gift of salvation. He loves us so much that He made the ultimate sacrifice by sending His Son to die on the cross for our sins so that we do not have to suffer the just punishment for our sins. Jesus’ blood covers our sins so that God sees us as holy and pure in His sight and is able to welcome us into His presence and allow us to enjoy eternity in heaven with Him. Christians don’t see accepting Jesus as a “condition” of God’s love. Salvation is a free gift that anyone has access to, but they do have to accept it. For example, if your friend hands you a wrapped present, you have to accept it; they cannot force you to accept it. But it’s still a free gift.
Does that sort of make sense? I am happy to try to answer any other questions you might have. 🙂
Ellie
Candi
You explained that really well!
Annie
Ellie – thanks for taking the time to answer my question so thoroughly!
Yes, it makes more sense that if you regard accepting “Jesus as Lord” as a gift instead of a condition then the whole argument sort of changes.
I’ll be sure to come back to the blog if more questions arise in the future. Until then all the best to you 🙂
Ellie
I’m so glad my answer made sense. All the best to you too, Annie! I’m glad to have you as a blog reader. 🙂
Iris
The fact that God loves us unconditionally means that He won’t stop loving us, no matter what. (It doesn’t mean He approves everything we do.)
Accepting Jesus in our heart means we love Him back!
People who don’t accept Jesus are loved by God, but simply never decided to love Him back.
Eileen
This book sounds so interesting Ellie. I love the main principle and focus of unconditional love that echoes our dear Lord. Thank you for bringing this book to our attention.
Candi
Our favorite was “How to be Parents of Happy and Obedient Children” by John Drescher. One of the best for simple, totally Godly, child training.
Ellie
I’ll have to look that one up. Thanks, Candi!
Tam
Thanks for the book recommendation. Along the same lines is Gospel-Powered Parenting by William Farley.
Ellie
Thank you for the suggestion, Tam! 🙂
MarriedUK
I had a very similar viewpoint when my oldest was a little man. I definitely oppose “parenting with biscuits” (i.e. if you get into the car, you can have a biscuit… or equivalent) and I don’t think threats/ punishments really work. Threats work for a day or two and then they stop… However, I think one comes up against a real difficulty about what to do when a child simply won’t mind you, without a carrot or a stick.
I have three children. My oldest is classically “naughty”. He is careless, clumsy and forgetful. His impulse control is weak and he is easily riled by friends/ brothers. He loses his possessions, breaks his toys, is always dirty and only yesterday left the sink on in the bathroom so that water came through the ceiling. He won’t follow instructions and refuses to do simple things when I first ask (e.g. please put your pjs in the basket/ come down and have breakfast/ brush your teeth). He takes every opportunity to push back and negotiate. He argues constantly and it’s exhausting. My second is so easy. I just gets on with life. He remembers where things are, is careful with his toys and generally obeys when asked to do things. My oldest is often in trouble at school and my youngest is always praised by his teachers. I parent them in the same way. My youngest is only two but appears thus far to be something of a middle ground between his brothers.
Now what should I do? My oldest is wonderful, creative, interesting and loving. In his own way, he seems to be trying really hard. He loves praise and is downhearted/ crushed by being told off/ punished. He is quick to say sorry and has a good heart. I don’t want to make him feel like I love my middle boy more (because I don’t).
I have come to the conclusion that there are only a few things we can do which influence behaviour:
1. Modelling the right way. We notice worse behaviour when we are stressed/ snappy/ shouty. This is one of the reasons I have never physically assaulted my children by hitting or smacking them (it’s also illegal). I don’t want them to think it is okay for a physically stronger person to impose thier will on a weaker person.
2. Making sure we give lots of positive attention
3. Trying to scaffold the day to make the “right” choice easier… e.g. my oldest never knows where things are. So I pack his school bag and put it by the front door every night. That way he doesn’t go to school without a snack. I ask him to put his dirty clothes away but every night I put the clean things out waiting for him. I have a list of tasks by the front door for him to check etc. I allow lots of time so that I can minimise conflict e.g. if we have to get out in 10 mins, I have to really pressure him to hurry and that causes arguments
4. I try and make consequences logical and not “punishments” e.g. you let all that water flow through the ceiling, so daddy can’t read stories with you/ play that game because he used that time to clean it up. Punishments often feel arbitrary.
5. I try to separate: that annoys me and that’s the wrong thing to do. Constant tapping on the table / kicking the table leg is annoying. It isn’t “wrong”.
Overall, I believe in trying to be loving and patient. When I do the wrong thing e.g. shouting at a child or telling them if they don’t do x, I will throw their favourite toy in the bin, I apologise. I want them to see that making amends and humbling myself is the right thing to do.
Ellie
Thank you for taking the time to share that, MarriedUK! It sounds like you have your hands full but that you are doing a great job. It’s so wonderful that you are committed to staying calm and modeling the right behavior, even when you’re being pushed to your limit. And I love the last paragraph, about apologizing to your kids when you do the wrong thing. Such a great example.
MarriedUK
Gosh I just read that back and felt like I’d been really mean about my lovely first born. He’s utterly wonderful! He’s so kind to our two year old and he is so interesting and intelligent. He tries really hard to be “good”. I think what I was trying to say in my brain dump above is that some kids find it harder to behave than others and it feels wrong to be harsh to those kids who are “naughty”. My oldest deserves more praise for getting through the day with “only” 5 mistakes than my second does for a perfect day.
Ellie
No worries! I can tell from past comments that you have posted to my blog that you adore your children. 🙂
MarriedUK
Guilty!
MarriedUK
Do you believe in smacking children?
Ellie
I don’t, but that’s probably too heavy a subject for this blog.
Anonymous
I have been reading all these comments, and I just thank the good Lord I am from a different generation.
Ellie
How so? Feel free to share your thoughts. 🙂
Andrea
I love Paul David Tripp and how he brings everything back to the gospel! “The Art of Parenting” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey is a great book. There is also a free online 8 week parenting study by the same name, if you and Mr. Handsome are interested. It consists of a video to watch for each lesson, questions to discuss, and a project to work on for setting life “aims” for your child. It’s geared for parents in every season. You can find it at http://www.artofparenting.com
Its completely free, but it will ask for your name, email, and have you set up a password so you can save your progress and go back to it. It will also give you an opportunity to donate towards the ministry, but you can just close that window.
Ellie
Thank you for the online study suggestion, Andrea. I’m going to share that with Mr. H. Sounds great!
Anonymous
We are also taking a gentler approach to parenting. I always want my children to feel loved and not to fear me. I want a different childhood than what I had.