We recently lost a baby to miscarriage at 6 weeks. Before suffering a pregnancy loss myself, I thought it would be something that a mother could “get over” in a few days. But the hurt is much deeper than that.
It has been almost four weeks, and I am feeling much better than I did the week after it happened, although I still have moments of sadness. Through all the tears, emotions, and doctors visits (I have had nearly 10 blood tests), I’ve felt an overwhelming peace. Through this trial, my faith has grown, as God has showed me some pretty incredible things that I can’t help but share.
- Even though Mr. Handsome and I are devastated that this baby will not physically be a part of our family here on Earth, we know that he or she is now in heaven with Jesus. Our God is a just God who will grant eternal life to all who seek His face. But he is also a compassionate, loving God who holds a special place in his heart for little children. And because babies and small children are unable to comprehend the message of the Gospel, God covers them with the blood of Jesus and takes them to heaven when they pass away from this earth, whether they died inside the womb or outside. I was so encouraged to find verses in the Bible that indicate this. The book “Safe in the Arms of God” by John MacArthur was incredible blessing. In fact, it was one of the best books I have ever read, on any subject.
- Life begins at conception. Even at 6 weeks gestation, my baby was a tiny little human that grew (for a very short time) inside me. When the pregnancy ended, there was physical evidence that we had had a living child who had passed away.
- God will always provide the grace that we need to walk through the trials that we face. Even in my mourning, I have an overwhelming peace that God is with me. He is near to the brokenhearted.
- As my heart cries, my soul cries, too. The tears I cried in the week following my miscarriage were much deeper than any tears I have ever shed. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it was a feeling I have never felt before. I believe that’s because I’m not just grieving the loss of a baby that I was looking forward to delivering. I’m grieving the earthly death of a tiny human with a precious, eternal soul that was made in the image of God. Even at 6 weeks old, my baby was knit together by the Creator of the universe. The Bible tells us that all people are made in God’s image.
- My husband is a treasure. The usual post-pregnancy hormones make miscarriage that much more emotional, and it’s not something that men can fully understand. But Mr. Handsome has been there for me every step of the way and has been so sweet and sympathetic.
- My fears of not being able to have the family that I have always hoped for have diminished. Since getting married, Mr. Handsome and I have both been in agreement that we would love to have four or five children. We still share that desire, but I no longer hold this fear of not being able to reach that goal. If we are unable, I will still be at peace knowing that God’s plan is better than ours. My heart has also been opening up to the idea of adoption. That would likely be a little further down the road for us, but we will see what God has in store.
- The assurance I have of spending eternity in heaven with Jesus has become even sweeter because there is now someone very special to me who will be there, too. I will hold this child in my heart until I can one day hold him or her in my arms.
Lizzy
Beautifully written! Your children here and in Heaven are blessed to have parents like you.
Anonymous
Ellie, what you shared was so beautiful and comforting to everyone who has also felt the loss of a baby. Thank you for sharing this and with us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 Comfort those with the same comfort that I have comforted you.
Federica
Ellie, I’m crying with you as I read this. May God bless you and your family.
Mary T.
Beautifully worded and well thought out remarks. I’m thinking of II Corinthians 1:3,4 where we are reminded that we can comfort others with similar trials with the comfort that God has given us. In the years to come you will be an encouragement to others who have endured loss, in that God has brought you through grief and softened your heart to the suffering of others.
Ellie
Thank you for that beautiful reminder, Mary!
Regina Shea
Ellie what a beautiful post. I know that there are ladies here including myself who believe we will get to hold our babies in heaven. My two babies I named Micah Dolan who would have been 18 and Brianna Rose who would have been 17 both this month will always hold a special place in my heart. I know your little one does too.
I’m glad you are doing better. Be good to yourself Ellie and please don’t let any negative comments get you down and honestly they don’t even need to be published.
Ellie
Thank you, Regina. <3 That's so very sad that you miscarried three babies. That must have been very difficult.
Anonymous
So sorry for your & Mr.Handsome’s loss.
Kelly
That was beautiful! 😭
Anonymous
I’m glad to hear you’ve been feeling better. I’ve been thinking of you! If you don’t mind sharing, why have you needed so much blood work? I hope you haven’t had complications. I’m sure the emotional pain was bad enough without physical complications as well.
Of course, please don’t feel any pressure to share. I only ask because miscarriage is talked about so little, so many don’t know much about it.
Ellie
Thank you for your thoughts! 🙂 I don’t mind sharing at all. I have thyroid issues and some issues with progesterone during pregnancy, so the nurse midwife tested those right after I became pregnant and then again about a week later. My hcg was low to start, although it did end up increasing, but that required a couple tests. Then after the miscarriage, she wanted to make sure to follow the levels back down to zero to make sure there weren’t any complications.
Ellie
Anonymous
Wow, I’m glad you didn’t have worse complications, but I’m sure that was all still stressful! But it makes you think – we’re so fortunate to have modern medicine!
Tiffany
Could you share a little more on the progesterone test ? Like if you found out with your last pregnancy you had issues with it ? Or if you require to take shots for it ?
I too wonder if that could be a issue with me . I had one miscarriage and two chemical pregnancy . The first chemical was tested and I had a low hSg and progesterone . But they didn’t say anything about it . I was also spotting when they took it.
Ellie
Hi Tiffany. They tested my progesterone when they did my initial blood test to confirm pregnancy at 4.5 weeks. My HCG was also low, but it doubled in 2 days, so they said they weren’t concerned. HCG cannot be supplemented, but it is an indicator of a healthy pregnancy. My progesterone was low twice (2 days apart), so they supplemented. There are different views on supplementing progesterone. My nurse midwife explained it to me. She said that it’s not a question of safety; it is a safe drug. But some providers would say that it doesn’t help, and some would claim that it can prolong a miscarriage in a pregnancy that was never going to make it. But my nurse midwife believes that it can help, so she supplements when it is low. My sister-in-law had low progesterone in her 1st trimester and was prescribed a supplement, and she thinks that is what saved her baby’s life. I would definitely ask your provider if she will supplement progesterone if it is low, and if he/she won’t, I would encourage you to find a new provider. The next time I am pregnant, my midwife told me to come in as soon as I can to test progesterone and determine if a supplement is needed. I am very sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time carrying a healthy pregnancy, and I hope this helps!
Ellie
Marianne
This is beautiful testimony of God’s plan. I pray your healing continues, and I sincerely hope you get to raise more beautiful children.
Anonymous
Oh my, I didn’t realize that most women even knew they were pregnant at six weeks.
Ellie
Yep, I found out at 3.5 weeks from an at-home pregnancy test and then did a blood test at my ob office a few days later to confirm.
Anonymous
Most women are around 4 weeks when they miss their period, so most take a test and know then.
Jess
If someone is trying they would know timing wise and could do an early home pregnancy test, as someone who had fertility treatments to have children I can tell you many of us will test very early and know earlier
Anonymous
Beautiful. I see a lot of growth here. God is using you with your testimony. Sounds like perhaps you were putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have a certain number of children. I’m glad you have let that go and given it to God. Peace be with you 🙏🏻
anon
a lot of women don’t even know they’re pregnant that early so i’m glad you were able to know your baby, even if it were only for a short time. however, i am so sorry you had to experience this heartache. how very humbling of you to say you thought you’d ‘get over’ it in a few days, and the realization that ‘getting over’ it is impossible. there will always be that love in your heart for that little one, no matter how many other children you have. and its ok to feel sad even though you know where your baby is. please dont let people make you feel bad, or guilty if you grieve
Anonymous
Most women find out they’re pregnant between week. 4-7, so it’s very normal to know by six weeks
Candi
I too think your testimony was beautifully written. It will be a good witness on your blog. That’s one thing I really appreciate about you that your not afraid to talk about God and your beliefs. Keep up the inspiring work! God will bless your faithfulness…And I am truly sorry for the extreme disappointment you all had to go through. Love and Prayers to y’all!
Ellie
Thanks so much, Candi!
Anon
I’m very sorry for your loss. I miscarried my first pregnancy. I have a question about heaven (I’m a non believer). If you are fortunate enough to live a long life (say you live until 90 years of age), when you die and get to heaven do you exist there as a 90 year old? I’m just interested in the concept of reuniting with already deceased loved ones who all deceased at different ages. Sending best wishes to you during this time.
Ellie
Thank you for your condolences. That’s a great question. The Bible says that our bodies will be made perfect and ageless, and it also indicates that we will be able to recognize the people we knew on Earth. So those who die at 90 will not look “old.” Let me know if you have any other questions. I would be happy to answer. 🙂
Ellie
Anonymous
This is something I’ve always wondered about, too. Would you mind sharing what scripture talks about recognizing those we knew on Earth?
Anonymous
I’ve had 2 dream visits from elderly people I knew who have crossed over. Both looked in their 40’s in my dreams, prime of life and happy. Both brought me profound messages to pass along. Both were dressed in clothes their family members later verified as belonging to them while here. So I have the feeling you can be any age you want to be there, for any reason. Maybe you can appear as different ages if you want too.
Julianna
Ellie, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Sending love and prayers your way.
Ellie
Thank you, Julianna!
Anonymous
I’m curious – how do you picture being reunited with a 6 wk. miscarriage in heaven? Do you picture a whole child at a certain age or something? One that never aged? One that never will?
I also don’t understand how a soul could be in that fetus but then back in heaven. If it left heaven once to be with you, couldn’t it leave heaven again to be someone else’s baby on earth? Or does it have to hang around there (doing what?) to wait for you?
Not being flip – there always seem to be many gaps in some religious beliefs and a lot of unaddressed points.
Ellie
It’s not something we can fully understand until we make it to heaven. That child will have a body–one that is perfect and ageless. I’m not sure what that body will look like, but the Bible tells us that it will be made in the image of God.
Every human being has an eternal soul, no matter how many days or years they spend on this earth. That soul is unique to them, and there is no mention in the Bible of reincarnation of any sort. The Bible tells us that when believers leave this Earth, we will immediately be reunited with Jesus in heaven.
Heaven will be a place of absolute perfection. Even our best day on Earth is nothing in comparison. We cannot fully understand what that will be like, as we have never experienced perfection. But myself and all those who believe in Christ are very much looking forward to it. No more tears, no more pain, no more sickness, no more lack of any kind. Sounds pretty wonderful.
Thank you for your questions. 🙂 I think if you studied the Bible and sincerely asked God to speak to you through it, you would be pleasantly surprised. Christianity is very different from other religions. It’s about having a personal relationship with the Creator of the universe, and it’s based on sacrificial love. God sent his Son to Earth to rescue us from our sin, and His desire is that all would come to know Him as their Savior. But like any relationship, it’s no real love if it’s forced. For that reason, God isn’t going to force any of us into loving Him. It needs to be genuine, from the heart. It truly is a beautiful relationship, and one that cannot be fully understood by someone who has not experienced it.
Ellie
Anonymous
Reincarnation is central to most religions in India. I believe in reincarnation and past lives. I saw a picture of a woman in a long hoop skirt when I was a small child and told my mother that I had one like that. She said when? I said, “When I was a lady.” She didn’t understand and I had no idea about past lives then, but I knew that I had dressed like that before as an adult. It’s frustrating as a child to know something but not have the words to make your parents understand.
Since then, I had a very strong emotional reaction the first time I saw pictures of a place in Russia. Why would seeing some far off place I’d never seen before make me cry instant tears of sadness? I believe something very unfortunate happened to me there over 100 years ago. The first words out of my trembling mouth were, “I’ve been there.” Not in this life, though. I’d never seen it before and neither had the public, because it was closed when WW2 broke out and not reopened again til it was restored around 2000. I couldn’t believe my own ears when I said I’d been there, and I had no idea I was going to react like that. The feeling swept over me like a tidal wave and I can still cry if I think about it.
JenniferH
I’m really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. This is my first knowledge of it. I have not read your blog in a bit.
I know the pain all too well. We never think it will happen to us until it does. I had my miscarriage after having my two boys so it would have been my third child. My second was only just six months old when I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy, I had no fears with having them so close in age or anything.
At my first appointment as I was joking and laughing with my Dr the nurse came in the room and said my pregnancy test was negative, it was from that moment that a dark could spewed over me to never fade away again. I thought, well my tests were positive so how could that be?? I usually test a few times before even going in for my first appt. the nurse said maybe I had too much coffee or water and my urine was diluted. So, first thing when I got home (hour drive) I took a test and there was surely two faint lines. I was pregnant, right? So I, too, went for blood draws over the nest few weeks. My numbers were going up but just not optimistically up. And sure enough, A few weeks later, the day before my first son’s second bday, I started spotting. Two days later, I miscarried. The physical pain was nothing to the emotional pain. It truly was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through. So much denial, followed by tears, followed by questions, but then followed by hope and a new faith of things to come. I got pregnant with my precious rainbow baby boy number 3 just under two months later- although it felt like an eternity at the time. I just prayed through it all to accept Gods will in all things.
Ellie
Thank you for sharing that, Jennifer. It’s such a hard thing to go through, but God’s plan is the best plan, and there’s so much peace in that. How old is your rainbow baby now?
Ellie
JenniferH
He will be 3 in January. My kids are 5 1/2 (February bday) just turned 4( August) 2 1/2(January) and my baby is 8 months old (November).
anonymous
Considering the whole of your blog, it is nice how the content of your lives, you and your husbands’, is always planned and ordered all along the way for living maturity, lovingly and responsibly. But this was the creator’s choice. Your response is grief, but being consolable and acceptance. I’m happy to know about all of the close relationships you have and sense. Too many of us are living selfishly and for the minute, with no serious regard for others, or our creator. Then also, not developing and sustaining a life/death/eternity plan that includes others in a meaningful way. Role models of the right are helpful. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Elizabeth
I read your wise words and sincerely felt and was thankful you are experiencing a peace that passes understanding. I caught myself unconsciously humming the hymn “tis so sweet to trust in Jesus” while reading the second half of your post.
Praying for you Ellie
Anonymous
I knew by coincidence that I was pregnant at about 3 weeks. I even saw a dot on an ultrasound. But it was so unreal to me that I didn’t really process it. I believe I told my husband, but no one else. It was so strange to both of us. I was still breastfeeding at the time. I started bleeding very heavily at about 5 weeks, so my “period” was a week late. I cried that day. I wondered if it was my fault. I told my husband and called my doctor. But then that was kind of all there was. I’ve never forgotten the date of the loss, but my emotions still didn’t bother me much. Maybe because I hadn’t really processed being pregnant in the first place? I almost wish I had felt more – had realized more that there was a child inside me. I still wonder if it really counted as a baby if the heart hadn’t started beating. I wonder if I will really see a baby in heaven. I guess only God knows. But I would be interested to hear your opinion. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Ellie
Thank you for sharing your story. Don’t feel guilty–everyone grieves miscarriage in different ways. I believe that life begins at conception. Even though the heart doesn’t start beating until 5-6 weeks, it is still a life. I do believe that your baby is in heaven. 🙂 Was this a recent miscarriage?
Ellie
Anonymous
Thanks Ellie. I needed to hear that. Maybe I was affected by it more than I think. No, it was 4 years ago. I haven’t talked about it much since then. Normally I would be the first to say life begins at conception but I guess when it came down to it my faith was small. 🙂
Shell
Ellie, I am walking this journey with you. I could have never imagined how painfully devastating a miscarriage could be until I have walked it myself. Mine is approaching 4 weeks as well and still have to go for blood draws. I too am slowly getting better but some days are harder than others. I just received a book in the mail from a dear friend who has also walked this path. It is titled “loved baby 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss”. I just read the introduction and am looking forward to reading it. Love and prayers to you, Shell
Ellie
Hi Shell. It’s good to hear from you again. Thank you for the book recommendation. How far along were you when you miscarried? Has your OB/midwife told you when you might be able to start trying again?
Ellie
Anonymous
I was about 11 weeks when I lost the baby physically. I had no idea the baby had actually passed around 8 to 8.5 weeks. We are still waiting for my numbers to drop first.
Ellie
Waiting is difficult. Going in for blood draws was hard for me because it was a painful reminder of what had happened. My heart goes out to you!
Ellie
CJOHN
Thank you for sharing this. It was encouraging for my life in general.
Michelle
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage Ellie, I’m glad you’ve found comfort.
I had a miscarriage 1 week ago, they were nearly 10 weeks. We’d seen the heartbeat a couple of weeks earlier so it was surprising! While obviously it was disappointing, I feel lucky (and surprised) that it hasn’t hit me too hard – perhaps because I’d had almost no symptoms this time (which is unusual for me) so this pregnancy hadn’t really felt ‘real’ yet, if that makes sense. The loss of my first hit me much harder. Now also having my 13-month to keep me busy, and knowing that we’ve conceived 3 times without much trouble makes me less sad or worried. We have friends who have tried hard for years with ivf with no luck, and another who has had numerous horrific miscarriages… which gives me perspective. I’m not religious, but thinking that our bodies must know when something is wrong with the fetus and do what they need to do is comforting to me.
Ellie
I am so sorry to hear that, Michelle! I hope you are able to have another healthy baby very soon. It sounds like you have the right perspective and a wonderful attitude of gratefulness.
Ellie
Michelle
Thanks Ellie 🙂 best wishes to you!
Michelle (Shell) from Melbourne
S
Thank you for writing this. I just had a miscarriage two days ago at 4.5 weeks and I’m devastated because I never thought this would actually happen to me. But I’m renewed with hope and trust in His kindness knowing my little one is with Him forever and one day we’ll see her! I’m still crying with tears of grief and joy of that makes any sense.
Ellie
I am so very sorry for your loss! I promise that it gets easier. The first week is the hardest. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to grieve. I highly recommend the book “Safe in the Arms of God” by John MacArthur. It was such a comfort to me! I will be praying for you.
Ellie
Jessica
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago before I was pregnant with my 4th baby. I have 6 now. I cried for weeks, but God slowly healed me. I wrote a blog post, which was a letter to my baby. Writing a letter and sealing it really helped me. After my 4th baby was born I knew that God makes no mistakes. I couldn’t imagine life without him. 3 months after the miscarriage we were pregnant. He will never take the other baby’s place, but he is my sunshine. Life is so much better with him in our lives.